Time has gotten away from me. I wonder why....working a full time job, being away from home at least 12 hours each weekday and then coming home to three adorable, but crazy kids leaves you somewhat in a daze at times.
2012 was a year that I will always remember. That was the first time I realized that I could really lose a child. Yes, me. Why I had not realized that before, I don't know. I do know that I am not exempt from the harsh reality of losing my child. No one is.
This past weekend, a popular poster on Facebook lost her 15 month old son to SIDS. FIFTEEN MONTHS OLD. Isn't that past the supposed safe zone? What a horrible thing to wake up to. Your child lifeless. Why does any mother have to go through that?
Does that make me parent my children any different? You bet it does. I stayed up with Eli a little longer last night just kissing his head and holding his tiny fat fingers. I got Maddie out of bed when she started coughing and let her fall back asleep in my lap. I let Emma get out of bed last night and fall asleep on the couch because she is afraid of the dark. I know it may spoil them, but they have their whole lives to grow out of habits. THEIR WHOLE LIVES. Why should I worry if someone criticizes me for that? My kids feel safe and I feel as if I made them safe. What is wrong with that? Nothing.
Ever since Eli was born and we learned of his heart conditions, I think I have been in a slightly hazy denial. I knew that he was a sick little boy and he would never fully recover from his illness, but when we left the hospital for the first time when he was almost two months old, I was on cloud 9. He was fixed and he was going home. When he had his first ECHO done back in November, I was told of other conditions he has that I didn't realize how significant they are. Ebstein's Anomaly and an ASD besides his Pulmonary Stenosis. Not good things to have. I did some research on these conditions and I won't lie, I was scared. I was upset.
I talked this over with God first, then my husband, my parents and my co-workers. Working in a hospital (especially the hospital your child stays in when they are sick) can be a blessing (and a curse!!!). Eli does not show the typical symptoms of these conditions. He should not be gaining weight, he should not be making milestones on time. He doesn't look sick. That can be deceiving at times, but it also tells me what a fighter I have on my hands. This kid is not going anywhere anytime soon. He will be with me for a long, long time. I remember being in the hospital when Eli was desatting after his second heart procedure on April 3. I have never been more scared in my life. I couldn't do a thing to make my baby get better. The doctors and nurses that day (and every day) were phenomenal. They were calm as can be and they did what needed to be done. While I started to panic, I felt this overwhelming sense of calmness come down behind me. I heard a voice saying that I need to just Be Still. I know that was my Lord with me while I was in the very worst moment in my life. Nothing else would have gotten me through that as calm as I was.
I am not sure what my whole point is of this post, but I am just learning to be thankful that I have my family that I do at this very moment. I will parent my children the way I feel is best and makes them as happy as possible. I want my kids to know that I have time for them. I want them to know that I feel they are the absolute most important people in my life. I want them know feel the love and pride I have when I look at them or when they tell me about something good happening in their life. My hope is that other parents do the same. We may not always agree on how everyone may parent their child, but we have to hope that the parent is doing the best they know how for their child(ren).....(aside from abuse, of course). For you never know when you last day to parent that child may be; whether it is when they are an adult, or a child. Let them know they are worth everything.
Okay my rambling for the day is over. Happy Monday everyone!
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